Holding you for the first time :) FINALLY!!

Dear Annie,

Oh how wonderful today was! The joy I felt this evening, I've never been so happy! I got to hold your sweet little self today! All 3 lb 14 oz in my arms, happier than ever! But before telling you how happy I was to hold you, I better rewind to earlier...

I decided to not go to the hospital this afternoon but to wait for your dad to get home from work so we could go up together. I had a lot of errands to run so it worked out perfect. Your dads best friend, Kevin Cordano was with us as well. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory with your Aunt Aubrey and her two friends and then off we headed up to the hospital.

Aubrey and I first went to see you and realized that they were going to change your incubator to a cleaner one. You looked so peaceful and well-rested. Aubrey said that we should see if I could help the Nurse with getting you transferred over to your new incubator. When your dad and Kevin went to see you, Sam asked the nurse if I could help. The nurse said I could. I waited outside while Kevin and your dad were with you (since only two people can be in there at once).

Kevin came back out and I went back to your room. The nurse then said, "Alright, I'm going to have you sit in this chair." I was so confused... I thought I was just going to help them move you but then I quietly asked, "Wait... are you going to let me hold her??" She said, "Yes." Oh the joy I felt and had at that second... I will never forget it. Another nurse then came in to help with the process and to hold your breathing tube.

They put a blanket over me to get ready to swaddle her in. The nurse lifted your little tiny body and rested you right into my arms. Annie, I was SO HAPPY! And I know you were happy because you seemed so well-rested and calm in my arms. I started to cry but I think I was just mostly all smiles and kind of shocked that I was actually finally holding my little one in my arms. 

The Nurse about to take you out of your incubator

Finally in Mommy's arms :)

I started thinking about the quote that says, "Patience is not the ability to wait. But the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." I sure hoped that I had a good attitude while waiting these past 3 weeks to hold you. And knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to hold you again for a while, I knew that the patience needed to stay strong.

I didn't want to let you out of my arms. I just stared at your beautiful little face and wanted to hug, kiss, and squeeze you! It felt so amazing. I truly felt like a mother! The connection I had with you was so real. I truly know that you knew I was holding you. Your dad told me jokingly that I needed to remember that I probably wouldn't be able to hold you again for a while, just like when your mom lets you drive the car before you're 16, it takes time! The nurses and I just laughed. I was just so over-joyed.

We asked the nurse to take a picture of us three. And I knew after that picture was taken, they would have to put you back in your incubator. I just soaked in those moments with you in my arms. With my sweet little girl finally relaxing and resting in her mommy's arms. I thanked our Heavenly Father for blessing me today with being able to hold you. It's times like this when I know our Heavenly Father is watching over me, you, and your dad. Before they took me out of your arms though, I kissed your little foot and told you how much I loved you. I didn't have tears come down my face saying bye to you this time. I felt calm and at ease. I just felt so happy and kept getting the feeling and something telling me that you would be in my arms for good soon and that you'd be able to come home before I knew it. When we were walking out of the hospital, I told your dad, "This was the best night of my life Sam! This was better than our first kiss! Sorry!" I was so so happy to have held you! Your dad just laughed. (I think he was jealous ;)  )

Annie, I love you so much. You are such an amazing little baby. You are such an example to me and I love you with all of my heart. I know that you can't talk yet and I'm not sure if you can see or hear, but what I do know is that you know when your mommy and daddy are there with you. We can feel your sweet little spirit and you have been the example we need. You are in our prayers all the time and we love you and thank you for being such a fighter! Sleep well tonight sweet heart.

Love,

Mommy