Surgery Tomorrow!!

Dear Annie,

Well tomorrow is the day!! You will be getting a tracheostomy and a G-Tube and I am FREAKING OUT!! Oh how nervous I am! I have been so nervous all day! I know that this is the next step for you and I feel that it is the right decision but I still am so nervous. It's because I love you so much Annie. I want you to be safe, I want you to be okay and healthy. I pray that the surgery will go smoothly and that everything will turn out well. And boy do I have FAITH! I know that everything will be okay. I sure am keeping you in my heart and mind right now! (Well I guess I always do... but for sure right now!) They will be doing your surgery at 8:30am and say it is about a 45 minute-1 hour procedure. All I know is that will be the longest hour of my life. I wish I could go in there and hold your little hand... Wow... I am crying right now just typing this. I don't know if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. Heck, it's already ten and I am wide awake with adrenalin rushing through my body! Annie, you are SUCH a fighter! And I hope that you are okay with the decision your dad and I have made for you. Do you know how hard it is to decide for you? I wish that you could talk so you could make your own decisions. But since you can't, your dad and I sure have to listen to the spirit in knowing what is best for you and Annie, your dad and I sure have felt like this is the right decision.

The doctors say that babies who have breathing tubes and end up getting trach's, usually become so much more happy and more comfortable; even the day of surgery. I sure am praying that is what will happen with you. It has been so hard watching you with your breathing tube the past couple of days because you HATE it. You shake your head back and forth (which you aren't supposed to do because if that tube were to come out, we would be in big trouble) and you try to get the tube out. So we have to hold your head and it is the most heart breaking thing. So I sure hope that this trach will help. (I sure am excited to FINALLY see your face and hold you when I please though!!!)

One thing that I have been reflecting on these past few days is a speech that your sweet aunt Emily's sister, Sarah wrote for one of her classes. I would like to share it with you because it truly helped me get a perspective of what you must be going through and what you maybe are thinking. It taught me so much of becoming selfless and not reflecting on how I feel, but how YOU feel sweetheart. (So I would like to thank Sarah for allowing me to share this remarkable speech):

My name is Annie Lynn Pugmire. I have been alive for almost 2 months. I am not like most babies.  I don’t know what a good nights sleep is.  I am woken up a lot to nurses poking me, bright lights and sometimes my tube getting in the way. Sometimes I get so mad that I can’t move or cry out loud and I stop breathing. When I stop breathing, it kind of scares me, but then I hear my mommy say, “Come on Annie girl. Mommy loves you. It’s gonna be ok.” My mommy loves me more than anything. I know this because she tells me all the time. She is here with me every day even though she sometimes can’t touch me or hold me. I think other babies get to spend more time with their mommies, but it just makes the time me and my mom get to spend together so much more special. 

         The mother of this little Annie girl is 22 years old. She is not much older than you and I. Not many years ago she was carrying on in life just like you and I. Her life has changed so drastically in the past couple of months, that some things we as teenagers care so much about, seem silly to her now as she sees what really matters in life; being a mother to her baby Annie. Annie was born 2 months early with many complications and is currently in the NICU at Primary Children’s Hospital with a breathing and feeding tube. Some of the most basic things that we as human beings take advantage of,  Annie lives without.

As teenagers sometimes we can become so consumed with ourselves and what is going on in our lives, that nothing else seems to really matter. Our generation has been referred to as the “ME” generation. Many are consumed with wealth, fame, and popularity, creating a self-centered world that revolves around virtual relationships.  So much so, that the Oxford English Dictionary proclaimed the word “selfie” as its’ 2013 word of the year. These relationships are largely empty and lack depth and human sincerity.  I often think about what Annie would tell us.  Perhaps she would say that if we are not careful, our experience with technology can cause us to miss out on the experience of human interactions as they were intended to be.  Annie would probably tell us that during her intense episodes where she isn't able to breathe, the comfort of her mother’s touch immediately calms her. She would tell us she is grateful for a mom who puts her needs above her own, as she spends hours at the hospital each day; that there is a team of people that care for her and help sustain her life as each breath she takes is monitored. She would tell us that the only thing that matters in life are the human relationships; the intense person to person interactions we form  with each other in this journey we call life. 

This past week there was a 911 call made to police, along I-80. The reports were that there was some sort of animal on the side of the road that was disturbing traffic. This mangled and hardly identifiable “animal” laying on the side of the road was actually a human being. As shocking as this story may sound, it is evidence of what can happen in a world consumed with itself.

            While there are countless examples that would have our generation believe that it is all about us, I am encouraged and inspired by the book, “The Fault in Our Stars”.  I think it is a perfect example of unselfishness and love. It gives light and hope that there are people that would sacrifice something for someone else.  In the book, Augustus sacrifices his last“wish” in his life to make Hazel’s come true by taking her to Amsterdam.  Augustus movingly sacrifices his desires for Hazel’s happiness. We would do well to find ways to be inspired by characters like Augustus.  

As we do this, we as teenagers do not have to fall victims to the “ME” generation.  An awareness of the importance of human relationships, kept in the forefront of our minds, can also help us avoid this trap. There are simple things that we can do that would make our Annie girl proud! Small things like eating lunch with someone who is alone, complimenting someone you never talk to, or going prom with someone who didn’t get asked are just some of the ways that those of the “Me”generation can reach outside ourselves and beyond the reaches of a virtual world.  

It has been said that “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”  Though helpless, Annie experiences this every day through a mother’s love.  Her life is a gift to us and reminds us that of one of the most precious gifts we have in this life is eachother. 

My name is Annie Lynn Pugmire. I have been alive for almost 2 months, and I am not like most babies. Despite my limitations, I have experienced life to the fullest because others unselfishly care for me and love me. 

Thank you.

Annie, you are a beautiful daughter of God. And I sure feel like I am the most blessed mother to have such a wonderful daughter who is as special as you are. I love our relationship. Even though you may not be able to talk, I sure do know that we connect on a spiritual level. When you look at me with your beautiful dark blue eyes, I know your looking at me and saying, "Hi mommy, I love you so much, thank you for being my mom." Well, at least I think/hope that's what you're thinking. I sure know that you love your daddy too! You love your time with your dad! And Annie, he ADORES you! Your dad will just sit there and stare at you and whisper into your ear! (hopefully he's not telling you that he's your favorite because come on now, we all know that I'm your favorite!) ;) Just kiddin! I know you love us both the same and we sure do love you more than you will ever know! And we are SO blessed to have you as our daughter! You teach us something new everyday Annie! I sure do love you so so much!!! Have a good night and sleep well my sweet Annie!

Love,

Mommy

Oh yeah...! They changed your tape last week and I was able to see your FACE for the first time EVER!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Yeah.. pretty sure your eyes are GORGEOUS!

Annie-Daddy Time:)

Love you<3