Dear Annie,
Well... this past week has been pretty crappy... A few days after your immunizations and the code blue scare, your belly button started to become more and more swollen and infected. The few weeks before that, I had noticed it was red and looked infected. The Doctors assured me that everything was fine and that it was because when you got your G-tube, they went through your belly button for the surgery and had put stitches that dissolve. Well... they didn't dissolve causing a really bad infection on your belly. On Friday while I was there, the Nurse Practitioner came in to look at it and decided to try to get the stitches out. She got two out thinking it was all and a lot of blood started coming out. It has been so hard seeing you like this because your heart rate has been so high, showing that you're in pain. The nurses have been giving you more medicine but it is frustrating because medicine isn't a cure - It's only temporary help. On Monday while I was there, I kept getting this feeling. I had been getting it for the past week but while I was holding you Monday, this feeling was SCREAMING at me. All it was saying was, "Her stomach". I told the nurse that I kept having this feeling that I thought something with it either being your stomach, or something in your lower abdominal area wasn't right. It pretty much came out like word vomit. But right after I said it, I felt so relieved and happy. She told me she would get the head nurse practitioner in to speak with. As you were sitting in my arms, I looked at you so relieved but so scared and sad thinking how much pain you must be in. The Nurse Practitioner came in, and I told her how I felt. She kept trying to convince me that she had checked your stomach earlier that morning and everything seemed fine. As she started to walk off, again, these words came out, "Whether it be my motherly instincts, the spirit, or anything, I really feel that there is something wrong." She seemed a little frustrated with me but I didn't care. I wanted to get you checked. The money didn't matter, her being frustrated didn't matter, I KNEW something needed to be done. So she finally came to her senses and said they would do an x-ray on your lower abdomen.
A few hours later, I received a phone call from the nurse practitioner saying that everything came back fine. I felt relief but still knew either way, you were in pain. A few hours later, I received another phone call, it was the nurse saying that your belly button had gotten worse... That surgery would have to come and check it out. When they checked it out, they got a lot more blood and puss out. How bad I felt knowing that would be so utterly painful to feel an infection in your belly. I asked if there were more stitches in there, and they said that they thought there were but they didn't want to take them out because it could still be holding something together. Then, later that night when I called, the nurse taking care of Annie said that you may be having aspiration - which cause some of your food to get into your lungs and a lot of spit up. I just began to cry. I couldn't sleep that night, knowing you were in pain. I stayed up as your dad held me in his arms trying to comfort me. I was so happy I said something to the nurse about your stomach and even though she wasn't for it, she finally came to her senses. I'm so grateful for the spirit in guiding your dad and I to help you. You are now on antibiotics for your belly and they did another x-ray on your lungs and said everything seemed fine but they changed you back to continuous feeds because you seemed more comfortable on that. They also stopped doing CPAP trials because they thought that maybe we were pushing you too hard, too fast. I sure hope that you will be able to get better Annie.
So many emotions have been running in me these past couple of weeks. I just wish that you could feel completely okay. The Lord is really trying your dad and I right now. And I know that I need to have Faith in Him. Complete Faith. But I'm going to be honest... IT IS SO HARD sometimes. So many people come up to me saying how strong I am. But in all honesty, I don't feel strong. Sometimes I just have to scream! I want people to know that behind walls, I cry, I scream, I am SO SCARED. I have to ask Heavenly Father every single day why this is happening. Why did you have to feel this pain? Why do we have to go through this? Why is it that you can't be home right now? SO MANY QUESTIONS And you know what? Sometimes I feel like I don't get an answer. Maybe it's not time for answers yet. But I know that being negative won't take me anywhere. But I know that I can't keep my emotions in forever. Yesterday at the Hospital was the first time the nurses had seen me cry. I think I bottled it up too long and I lost it. But I know it's okay to cry. But Annie, I want you to know, I will NEVER lose faith! And maybe the answers I'm looking for aren't the answers I want. But I do know and have a SURE testimony that our Heavenly Father loves us! He knows us better than we know ourselves! He sent His son to die for all of these pains, afflictions, and trials. And I know that we are never alone. No matter what storm may come our way, if we have sure faith, He will NEVER leave us or lead us astray. I'm so sorry I cry, scream and am a downer sometimes. But I want you to know how I am truly feeling. I love you so much Annie. You are SO strong! We all know it! You go through so much each and everyday! Keep fighting baby girl!! We are all here cheering you on!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
Love,
Mommy
