Balloons sent to Heaven.. Happy First Birthday!

Dear Annie,

Well my sweet girl... Happy first Birthday! Though, I wish you could be here so I could actually celebrate with you, I know that you've been with me in spirit all day. Today was a beautiful and perfect day. We were able to get together with family and go up to your graveside and release one balloon per person for your first birthday! We watched them all float up high in the sky. What amazed us all as we watched the balloons fly high in the sky, was all of the balloons stayed together - just like family stays together. Though, we may be far away, we are so close to you at the same time.

Annie, I just miss you so much. My heart hurts so much some days and I cannot even imagine what I would do if I didn't have the Gospel in my life to help me through the days when I am so down. I am so grateful to know that we can live together forever as a family and that even though we physically weren't able to celebrate your first birthday with you today, one day we will be able to. :) I have a sure testimony of the Atonement. I am so grateful that on the days where I feel so alone, that is when our Savior is with me the most. We are never alone, we always have our brother, Jesus Christ who died for not just all of the sins of the world, but all of our pains and afflictions. He knows us more than we know ourselves. Knowing this and having complete faith in that, I know that He is watching over me, and I know that you are too!

I still remember a year ago as if it was yesterday. I had to have an emergency C-section since your heart rate kept going down. You were born at around 7:30pm, and weighed 3 pounds, 4 ounces. You were just the smallest little thing! Right when you were born, they immediately started resuscitating you, and rushed you to the NICU. I wasn't able to see you until three hours after having you; your dad took pictures of you and I just couldn't wait to meet you! I remember being wheeled into my hospital room after having you, and seeing some of my side of the family and all I could say was, "I have the most beautiful daughter!" I was so happy to have such a beautiful, perfect, little girl as my daughter! When they wheeled me into the NICU where I got to meet you for the first time, I was so happy! I began to cry, knowing that there were going to be complications, but so happy that you were alive and grateful that Heavenly Father sent you to your dad and me!

One thing I don't even think your dad knows is, I remember that night waking up at around 3 a.m., I called the nurse and had her wheel me up to the NICU to see you. I didn't want to be away from you - I wanted to be with you all the time, my heart ached. I remember holding your little foot, and just crying praying to Heavenly Father, asking and pleading with him for everything to be okay. One thing I've learned through this whole entire experience is even though things didn't happened the way they were planned, that is just life. Heavenly Father had a different plan for our family! But I always have to remember: Life is short, compared to forever. And I'm so grateful to know that I will have you forever. But at this moment holding your foot, just having you, I didn't know what to expect, I was just so in love with you and didn't care what trial I had to go through, I just was so happy to have you as my little Annie-girl.

Annie, I just love you so very much. As I sit here in bed with your dad right now, we are missing you oh so very much. No one expects this to happen in their life, especially at such a young age that your dad and I are. We thought we'd be celebrating this first birthday of yours with you digging your face in a birthday cake, giggling, and playing around. But life can be short, but it is ever so sweet. And knowing that you are ours forever, makes today bearable. I love you my dear Annie, so very much. Happy first Birthday my sweetheart! Enjoy the balloons we sent you up to Heaven!

Love,

Mommy

One year ago today, you were born! I love you sweet girl! <3

1 Year

Dear Annie,

A year ago today was an ordinary day. I was 33 weeks pregnant and was showing quite a bit. I remember waking up that morning having enough energy to go on a run around the Provo Temple. Looking back now, I feel like Heavenly Father directed me to run around the temple grounds vs. going to the gym and running on the treadmill for a reason. I think he was trying to get me somewhat spiritually ready for what was to come that evening and for the next year.

Through out the day, I remember feeling a little sick and not myself. We were living down in Provo at the time and I was at your Grandma Janie's helping set up a shower. I had called the Doctor's to say that I wasn't feeling well and they said to call later if I kept feeling sick. As the shower was going on, I knew that something wasn't right. I remember going and asking my dad (your Grandpa Steve) if he would give me a blessing. I just needed to feel comfort in knowing that everything would be okay. A while had past after the blessing, and I still was getting the feeling that something was wrong. I called the Doctors yet another time, and they said that I should probably go into labor and delivery. Your dad had just gotten home from work when the nurse told me to go in. And to the hospital we went.

I remember being nervous but not expecting to have you come as soon as you did. I really didn't want to go to the hospital and get an answer that nothing was wrong and I was just having small contractions. Well Annie, that wasn't the case! I was effaced 90% and dilated to a 2. At 33 weeks, that is in no way normal. They realized that I had a lot more amniotic fluid that I should have had and so my body was tricking me to go into labor. The reason I had so much amniotic fluid (we would find out the following day), is because you weren't swallowing it.

That evening, your dad and I had no clue what the following day would be throwing at us, but how grateful I am for the Holy Ghost in prompting me to go to the hospital. I am beyond grateful for the love that your daddy has shown me, he is one amazing man. And as I write these letters to you, and relive these experiences - some, sad and some good, I am so grateful that I have written them to you! You are missed everyday! And as we celebrate your first Birthday tomorrow, I know that you will be there with us, only in spirit - free of pain and happy as can be! I cannot wait wait for that day when I can hold you in my arms and smile, laugh, hug, kiss, and talk to you! I love you baby girl! Families are forever!

Love,

Mommy

Your sweet daddy got me flowers today:) Boy do I love your dad!