***Before you begin reading this post, I need to let all of you sweet readers to know how grateful I am for the support Sam and I have received. As this post is very personal and sensitive about the day our sweet Annie-Girl went to heaven, I want you to know how hard it was for me to write this. Going back to the day Annie passed away, is a day that I will never forget one second of. When I started writing this blog, I thought it would just be a way to get my feelings out and be therapeutic, which it both is. But I never realized how much this blog will help so many people. Annie was sent down here to bless not just mine and Sam's lives, but to bless everyone's. She has touched hundreds of lives and I am so very blessed to have her as my daughter forever. She was a fighter. She came down here to receive her sweet little body and that's all she needed. I'm so blessed to know she is no longer in pain. Even though I miss her SO much I know that she is finally happy and not in pain. I wish for all of you to please share this story of Annie with everyone. It is a story that should not, nor will ever be hidden. I love you all. Thank you so very much.***
Dear Annie,
It’s been one month since you went to Heaven. One month
since I was able to hold you. One month since I was able to kiss you all over.
One month since I was able to tell you how much I love you and how grateful I
am for you. Oh how much I miss you so much. I miss your cute, little body, I
miss holding you, I miss kissing your chunky cheeks, I miss your precious
little hands, and those FEET!! Oh how I miss those feet so very much! It’s been
one heck of a roller coaster Annie.... And if someone would have told me even a
year ago how hard life was about to get, I wouldn’t believe them for a second!
But how grateful I am that you came into my life and that you will forever be
my daughter. I am so grateful to know and have a FIRM testimony about eternal
families, the atonement, and the Plan of Salvation.
Well Annie, I am here to write about the day you become our
little angel. I have been staring at a blank screen for the past month thinking
what I’m going to write. I remember July 14th as if it was
yesterday. How close we all were to the spirit that day. So here it is…
The day before you passed away was Sunday July 13, 2014. You
had lately been declining with your health and had been having more severe
episodes where you would go into cardiac arrest and they’d have to revive you.
That evening, your dad and I got to help give you a bath. You usually LOVE your
baths. But that day, you just were not having it. When we would give you baths,
you weren’t connected to any cords (except for your trach and ventilator of
course) so we tried to hurry since we don’t know where your oxygen or heart rate
is important to know. You looked very tense after we were done with the bath.
When we put you back into your crib, your dad got to help with your trach
cares. You were not happy and still did not have your cords on. Being a mother, I always had those
motherly instincts when you were about to have an episode. I told the nurse and
sure enough, you started to decline. I had seen you turn blue before, but this
time it was pretty bad. It took us a few minutes to get you back up. And not
knowing where your oxygen or heart rate was because your cords were off, scared
me to death. When I asked the nurse if we should hurry and get your monitors
back on, she told me something I didn’t like hearing, “trust me… you don’t want
to know how low she is.” I began to have a hard time breathing. As the minutes
went by, your coloring became more pink and you finally got back up. Like I
said, I have seen many of those episodes before where you turn blue, but it had
never been that bad. That is, until the next day…
Your dad and I didn’t sleep too well because we were so
worried with what was about to come. After we had gotten ready for bed Sunday
night, I did what I always do and called the hospital to check up on you. The
nurse told me that you went into Cardiac Arrest and they had to code you (code
blue). I was so scared, sad, and hurt because you did. I fell asleep and woke
up to a phone call Monday July 14th at 6:30a.m. It was the on call nurse,
she told me that you had ANOTHER code blue incident that night and they were
getting worried. I got up, and had to get a few things done and situated before
I headed up to the hospital. Again, at 9:30 am, I got another phone call from
the nurse, Code Blue. I told your dad that we needed to get to the hospital
ASAP. We got to the hospital at 12:00 because your dad had to go to work real
quick and let his boss know he wouldn’t be into work that day.
Driving up to the hospital, I think your dad and I realized
what was about to come, maybe not that day, but the next few days. When we went
up to the Hospital, they had moved you into your own private room so we could
spend alone time with you and family could come up and see you. When we got
into the room, I looked at you… You looked so restless, like you hadn’t slept
for days. It broke my heart and all I wanted to do was hold you. The nurse put
you right in my arms, as your dad sat next to me. Literally 5 seconds after you
were in my arms, I knew you were about to have an episode. I told the nurse,
and she turned up your oxygen, but this episode of yours, it was far worse than
the episode from the previous night. I was holding you in my arms, watching you
turn a dark purple, almost black. Your dad and I kept saying to you, “Come on
Annie! You’ve got this! Fight through it!” The nurse took you out of my arms,
put you back in your crib, called code blue, and they began to do chest
compressions. I stood up, and your dad grabbed me and was hugging me telling me
that everything would be okay. That’s when it hit your dad and I, you were
ready as ever to go back to your Heavenly Father that day. And I think you were
ready to go as soon you were in my arms; almost as if you knew that you were in
my arms and you knew that you had to wait for us to be there to go back to
Heaven. Five minutes later, they were able to revive you and get you back up to
a regular oxygen level. But it was still different. Usually the ventilator is
set at around 25-35% on giving oxygen to you, but it was now having to be set
at 100% and they had to raise the level of your PEEP which is the pressure in
each breathe. Basically every level was turned up to the highest it could go
and still, it was hard to keep you up.
After that big episode, your dad started calling all of our
immediate family members and told them they needed to get up to the hospital as
soon as they could so they could say one last goodbye. Your aunt Aubrey and my
Grandma and Grandpa Owen got up there first. I was now holding you again and
you were laying there finally relaxed but still very tired with your stats set
up all the way and would be like that until were gone. While we were all
sitting there, music therapy came in. They had written you a lullaby and had
interviewed your dad and I the previous week about you and through them reading
this blog, they came up with the most beautiful words. I sat there listening to
it and had never cried so much in my life. The song was called, “Dear Annie”
and they did such an amazing job. The lyrics were beautiful. As they sang it, I
began to look up at your stats and your heart rate went up. You love music so
much I knew that your lullaby calmed you and helped you relax more. As I sat there and balled my eyes out, I realized right at that moment that I would see you again. That even though I would be saying bye to you that day, I'd have the chance to raise you and soon.
More of our family began to come. Everyone was so happy to see you and there was not a dry eye in the room. I switched with your dad a little while after so he could have the chance to hold you. Our families were there for a few hours and got to hold your little feet, and kiss your sweet little cheeks. You had always been so fragile but you were much more fragile that day and I had to keep making sure everyone was soft with you because even just moving you caused you to have an episode. Before we had everyone leave, we thought it would be nice to say a prayer. Your dad said the most amazing prayer and asked for comfort through everything, and that you would have comfort. As I previously said... there was not a dry eye in the room. We got to take a few group pictures with everyone before everyone said their goodbye's to you. This is when it got very hard, no one wanted to be the first person to say bye but it had to happen. One by one, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents kissed you on the forehead and said goodbye. It was so hard seeing the reality of what was taking place- knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to you that evening. It was so hard to see your grandparents say bye to you. They didn't want to leave and I know it was extremely hard to know that they had to. One thing I'll never forget that my dad told me (your Grandpa Steve). He looked at your daddy and I and with a trembling chin pointing at us said, "You two stick together, lean on each other and rely on the Lord no matter how hard it gets." They all said goodbye and walked out of the room knowing that was the last time they'd be seeing you for a while but having sure testimonies that it wouldn't be the last time and they'd be able to see you again but in perfect form.
I was a wreck Annie.. All day... I kept looking at the clock and just wanting time to stop. I knew the later it would get, the sooner I knew you were ready to go. After everyone was gone and it was just your dad and I, we had a photographer come in and take the most beautiful pictures of our little family of three. I will cherish those pictures forever. They are the most breathtaking pictures. You were so beautiful and that cute little yellow dress and bow just made you beam even more. She took pictures for about an hour and at that point, it was 6:00p.m. I was now holding you at that time, and we were both getting a little overwhelmed. We decided to try and get some food in us. I was so nervous to leave thinking if I left and you would leave... It took me about fifteen minutes to finally decide to go with your dad. We drove quickly down the street to Red Robin. We ordered really quick, had a few bites of food (I didn't have much of an appetite) and as we were ready to pay, your dad went to go ask for the check and the waitress said not to worry about it. How grateful we were at that moment, knowing that she had no clue what we were going through and covered our check. Oh how the Lord works in mysterious ways.
We got back up to the hospital within forty minutes. The nurse who was watching you at the time held you while we were gone because we didn't want to move you and cause you to desat and have another episode. The nurse put you in my arms and I just stared at you. By this time, it was shift change for the nurses. All of your primary nurses and nurses that just fell in love with you began to come in to say their goodbye's. I let them all kiss you on the cheek. I know how much they loved you and how much you loved them. They had been my best friends the past 4 1/2 months and knowing that I wouldn't be coming up anymore, broke my heart. I knew that this was it. Some of them stayed for a while and talked, and some gave us the sweetest gifts and cards. I will never forget your sweet nurses and the amazing ladies and friends they are. I know you will never forget them either, you really did love them so much Annie. I let them listen to your lullaby because they burnt it on a disk. Then it was time for them to say goodbye to you... it was so hard seeing the nurses who took care of you daily, say goodbye. It broke my heart...After they said their goodbye's I knew that your dad wanted to spend some alone time with you so I let him hold you and I left for about twenty minutes. While I was gone, you had an episode. I knew you wanted to get to heaven so badly. You were ready- but your dad and I were not. Knowing that you were going to be gone... it killed me. After your dad spent alone time with you, I spent a few minutes alone with you. I looked at you and sobbed... you looked so beautiful... I told you things that I know you remember and I know I don't have to repeat, because I know you will never forget what I said. :) Your dad came in a few minutes later and by this time, it was around 9:00. We didn't know how we were going to go through this. The doctors said they could give you medicine to help with any pain. At 10:00p.m., we gave you as much medicine as we could. I held you and your dad sat next to me. Your dad gave me a big kiss on the forehead and told me how much he loved. We were both a wreck.. We knew that this was going to be hard and that to get through this, we would need to lean on each other. I told your dad how much I loved him and that I was so grateful that we met, got married and had you as our beautiful little girl.
The nurse on call that night was your favorite nurse.. Debby:) You loved Debby so very much. She new every way to calm you and made you happy. She sat outside the room through out this time so it could be just our little family of three. Like I said, at 10:00p.m, we gave you medicine so you weren't feeling any pain. As the time went by and the vent was doing all of the work for you, we knew that you were ready to go back to our Heavenly Father. At 11:00p.m, I propped your little head up on my left shoulder and for the first time, I got to hold you like that. As I held you, and your dad had his arms around me and you, we knew that you were going back to your Heavenly Father. For the first time, you didn't turn blue, you didn't tense your little body up, but your sweet little spirit left your body. You were so calm Annie. Oh the fighter you were... The feelings that your dad and I felt, I can't even begin to explain... But I knew you were there now comforting us in spirit, and happy that you were free from your body. You went to heaven quick... probably within a minute. You were so ready to return to Heaven. We sat there and held your sweet little body and at 11:30, the nurse came in to check your pulse and heart. She looked up at me, and even though I already knew you were gone, hearing the words, "I don't hear a heart beat", crushed me. I leaned into your dad's arms and cried.
After about an hour, we new it was time to go home. It was so hard sitting there, with all of your stuff packed up, knowing this would be the last time we'd be going to the hospital... I looked at your beautiful, little body and kissed you, cried and told you how much I loved you and said goodbye to your sweet little body until Thursday. As your dad and I walked down to our car and drove home, we knew that for the first time, you were coming home with us... Only, in spirit...
When we got home, we had to walk the dogs. When we were walking outside with them, I had never felt you so close. I knew you were with us playing with Ruby and Maya and holding my hand and your daddy's. It gave me so much comfort that you were now our guardian angel. I knew at that point that I would do everything I could to make it back to you and raise you!
Annie, I love you so much. You have been such an amazing example to me, and to so many people. You are missed so very much and even though you're gone and I can't hold you or raise you yet, I know that your dad and I will get the chance to one day. Maybe not in this life, but in the next. I have such a firm testimony that the church is true and that we do have a Savior. I have such a strong testimony of the atonement and am so blessed to know that families are forever.
I love you and miss you so very much my sweet Annie-Girl. You are my little piece of heaven, forever:)
Love,
Mommy
Annie's Lullaby:
