Showered with gifts.

Dear Annie,

These past few days have been great! Last Thursday, I had my first baby shower for you! You are so loved by so many people Annie! We got so many cute little outfits, bows, and blankets for you! We also got some BIG gifts! Like a car seat, and even a bumbo! I was so excited! I felt so blessed that people wanted to shower my little one with gifts! It was so nice of everyone and I swear, I have never been to a baby shower with that many gifts! It was crazy and exciting! All for you sweetheart!

Showered with gifts for my sweet Annie!

Auntie SaraJane, Mama, and Grandma Janie :)

As far as you in the NICU goes, nothing has really changed baby girl. You still are on your breathing tube. They decided to give you seizing medication even though your MRI and brain monitor scans came back with no seizure-like activity. The doctor last Thursday told me, with the motions you make at times, it really looks like seizures so they just wanted to try medication for a trial and error process. When the doctor told me they wanted to try the medication, I felt at peace with the decision. But it has now been 5 days with you using it and nothing has changed, they even went ahead and gave you a second seizure medicine starting yesterday and still, it hasn't helped with the motions you make. They said that if the medicine isn't working by Wednesday, they would stop giving it to you. I'm not going to lie Annie, it is so hard with this guessing game. I wish I could read your mind and cure everything. I wish I could take your pain away, I wish I could hold you more than the one time I did, I wish I could kiss your little forhead and feet whenever I wanted to. There are many things I wish. But I know that our Heavenly Father is teaching me patience. Patience is so hard but I know that all of this will be worth it in the end. I know that through prayer, hope, and Faith, the Lord will bless us. Even though I don't think of that all of the time, I know it's true. I try to be positive all the time, especially when people are asking about you. But it is hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to cry- I just want to say that all I want is my daughter home, I want to be the one to take care of you at 2 a.m. when you're crying, I want to be the one to always change your diapers, give you baths and comfort you. I'm sorry I can't always be at the hospital by your side. I always tell your daddy that I wish I could put a bed next to your incubator! He just laughs :).

This week the Ear, Nose and Throat team are hoping to scope your airway to see if you'll be able to breathe on your own. Since your little chin is so small, they're not sure if you'll be able to breathe on your own. I have hope though Annie :) I pray for you all the time. And I know that so many people are praying for you. I pray that you'll be able to, one day, breathe on your own and eat on your own! They did put that little feeding tube up your nose last week instead of it going through your mouth. I sure hope that's more comfortable for you sweetheart.

Well Annie, I sure do love you. And as I lay here in bed with your daddy next to me, we are both thinking of you. I sleep with one of the baby blankets my mom gave you when you were born every night. I hold it and think of you all night. I love you sweet baby girl :) Sleep well tonight! Dream of Heaven! (And me of course!) Love you!!

Love,

Mommy

Sunday Snooze :)

Your cute little feet :)

Holding onto what we say your "baton" ;)

Perfect little one:)

Holding mama's hand:)

Holding mama's hand (again).

Holding you for the first time :) FINALLY!!

Dear Annie,

Oh how wonderful today was! The joy I felt this evening, I've never been so happy! I got to hold your sweet little self today! All 3 lb 14 oz in my arms, happier than ever! But before telling you how happy I was to hold you, I better rewind to earlier...

I decided to not go to the hospital this afternoon but to wait for your dad to get home from work so we could go up together. I had a lot of errands to run so it worked out perfect. Your dads best friend, Kevin Cordano was with us as well. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory with your Aunt Aubrey and her two friends and then off we headed up to the hospital.

Aubrey and I first went to see you and realized that they were going to change your incubator to a cleaner one. You looked so peaceful and well-rested. Aubrey said that we should see if I could help the Nurse with getting you transferred over to your new incubator. When your dad and Kevin went to see you, Sam asked the nurse if I could help. The nurse said I could. I waited outside while Kevin and your dad were with you (since only two people can be in there at once).

Kevin came back out and I went back to your room. The nurse then said, "Alright, I'm going to have you sit in this chair." I was so confused... I thought I was just going to help them move you but then I quietly asked, "Wait... are you going to let me hold her??" She said, "Yes." Oh the joy I felt and had at that second... I will never forget it. Another nurse then came in to help with the process and to hold your breathing tube.

They put a blanket over me to get ready to swaddle her in. The nurse lifted your little tiny body and rested you right into my arms. Annie, I was SO HAPPY! And I know you were happy because you seemed so well-rested and calm in my arms. I started to cry but I think I was just mostly all smiles and kind of shocked that I was actually finally holding my little one in my arms. 

The Nurse about to take you out of your incubator

Finally in Mommy's arms :)

I started thinking about the quote that says, "Patience is not the ability to wait. But the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." I sure hoped that I had a good attitude while waiting these past 3 weeks to hold you. And knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to hold you again for a while, I knew that the patience needed to stay strong.

I didn't want to let you out of my arms. I just stared at your beautiful little face and wanted to hug, kiss, and squeeze you! It felt so amazing. I truly felt like a mother! The connection I had with you was so real. I truly know that you knew I was holding you. Your dad told me jokingly that I needed to remember that I probably wouldn't be able to hold you again for a while, just like when your mom lets you drive the car before you're 16, it takes time! The nurses and I just laughed. I was just so over-joyed.

We asked the nurse to take a picture of us three. And I knew after that picture was taken, they would have to put you back in your incubator. I just soaked in those moments with you in my arms. With my sweet little girl finally relaxing and resting in her mommy's arms. I thanked our Heavenly Father for blessing me today with being able to hold you. It's times like this when I know our Heavenly Father is watching over me, you, and your dad. Before they took me out of your arms though, I kissed your little foot and told you how much I loved you. I didn't have tears come down my face saying bye to you this time. I felt calm and at ease. I just felt so happy and kept getting the feeling and something telling me that you would be in my arms for good soon and that you'd be able to come home before I knew it. When we were walking out of the hospital, I told your dad, "This was the best night of my life Sam! This was better than our first kiss! Sorry!" I was so so happy to have held you! Your dad just laughed. (I think he was jealous ;)  )

Annie, I love you so much. You are such an amazing little baby. You are such an example to me and I love you with all of my heart. I know that you can't talk yet and I'm not sure if you can see or hear, but what I do know is that you know when your mommy and daddy are there with you. We can feel your sweet little spirit and you have been the example we need. You are in our prayers all the time and we love you and thank you for being such a fighter! Sleep well tonight sweet heart.

Love,

Mommy

March 24th, 2014 - We got to kiss your forehead!

Dear Annie,

Your daddy and I came to see you this evening and we were able to kiss your sweet little forehead! The nurse was cleaning you up so she had the incubator top off so we were able to see you so much better! It made your daddy and I SO HAPPY to see you! I kissed your forehead one too many times but I just couldn't get enough! I also got to change your diaper and it was definitely full! You sure knew mommy was going to change your diaper and made it pretty gross! But I didn't mind! Parents usually don't like to change their kids diapers. But Annie, me being able to change your diaper makes me feel more and more like your mother. I've only been able to change it 3 times now and it makes your mama so happy every time:)

The physical Therapists also got little inserts for your hands so your thumbs are actually not glued to your hands! We are hoping that through time, they'll be able to open up fully.
Before the nurse put the top of the incubator, your started to tense up and I saw tears come out of those little eyes of yours. You started moving around and I could not help but cry. Seeing tears come down your face is so hard for me to see. Your little eyes wanted to open up so bad and you kept trying but you couldn't get them open. But those little tears were just glued to your eyelids and I just wanted to hold and rock you. The nurse then put the top of the incubator on and it was as if I was saying goodbye to you. But I just put my hand trough the little insert and held your little foot in my hand and watched you calm down and sleep for 30 minutes.

I hate every time I have to say bye to you but it comes everyday. You looked so beautiful and peaceful. Your daddy and I both said bye to you and said how much we love you.
We pray for you all the time, everyday Annie girl. The love your daddy and I have for you, there aren't any words to describe. I love you so much sweetheart. Sleep well:)

Love, mommy.


(extra pictures from days I didn't post). 

They had to put a brains monitor on your head for the fourth time last Thursday to check again to see if you were seizing. They didn't find anything. Hopefully you're doing okay babies!

Family picture:) You're a little blurred out! :( but many more to take in years to come! <3

March 14th

Dear Annie,

Today I put a bow on your cute little head and you OPENED YOUR EYES sweetheart!! Those cute little baby blues made my eyes water. Seeing you grow everyday is so amazing. Even though you're only 3 lbs and 4 oz right now, you are growing more and more everyday:) you make mama smile so much.

They tried to take out your breathing tube today. They had to do it in an operating room just in case something happened, the doctors would be in a controlled setting. I gave your cute little hand and forehead a big fat kiss before sending you in there. I sobbed and sobbed but knew that everything would be okay. Everytime the waiting room door would open, I immediately looked up to see if it was a doctor. 40 minutes later, the doctor came to speak with me. He said that they went in and your poor little throat was too swollen to have you breathe on your own. They put a tube that was 40% smaller than the one you were on and are going to give you some medicine these next few days to help the swelling go down. Hopefully by the beginning of next week they'll be able to take it out so I can see that CUTE LITTLE FACE OF YOURS with out all of that tape on you!

When you got back into your room, I was kissing your forehead and looking at you. You started to spit up blood because of all the work they had done to you. Your mama couldn't stop crying. I felt so bad and helpless for all of the pain that you had been going through. And not to mention they had put your breathing tube back in too far down. So the doctor had to come in and fix it. I saw a tear come out of your eye and I wished that I could take all of the pain away from you. I kept telling you, "you're okay sweetheart, you are such a fighter!" And it's true Annie, you are a fighter! You are an unbelievable little girl! I know that our Heavenly Father is watching over you! There are so many people praying for you daily! Everyone loves you sweet girl!

 Annie, I hope you know how much I love you. You are beautiful inside and out and you have been the biggest blessing in my life. You have touched SO MANY peoples lives!! Always be YOU!! Thank you for being such an amazing example to me. I love you sweetheart❤️

Love, mommy

March 10th & 11th

Dear Annie,

Monday: Last day at the hospital! They told us that they wanted to transfer you up to Primary Children’s Hospital to get more professionals to test you and see what they could do for you. I cried- well I’ve cried a lot these past few days but I had started loving the nurses at Utah Valley but that was selfish of me to do! Because we needed do what was best for you little one. Your poor little mouth drools because of your cute little chin and those darn tubes down your throat. It hard to see what you have to go through Annie. You really are such a fighter. I love just holding your little hands and looking at you. 

I was discharged from the hospital at 7:00p.m. it was so hard for me to leave the hospital knowing that I couldn’t just walk up to your room. But I knew I needed to get fresh air. I hadn’t been outside since Wednesday!

That night, we watched the Bachelor with Taryn and Jeremy Neves and all I could think about was you sweetheart. Your daddy and I came and saw you at around 11:30 pm. You looked so sweet and beautiful. We were able to talk to the president of the NICU for quite a while. He answered so many questions we had and it made me feel more comforted with having you go up to Primary Children's.


Tuesday: Your mommy and daddy slept in until 9:45. Except for me pumping at 5:45 am. You better like my milk Annie because I am producing it like a COW!! Your daddy went to work and mommy did some errands for daddy at the house. Not long though, I HAD to come see you!
When I went to the NICU I was SO happy to see you! My pretty little perfect Annie! Your poor blood pressure though ☹ it’s been going up a lot the past two days. And they had to put a catheter in you because you weren’t emptying your bladder. I hope you’re not in pain sweetheart. I pray for it all the time. You are such a fighter! I don’t think any adult could go through what you’ve been going through these past 4 days sweetie. Keep fighting!

The doctor told me that they could take you up to primary children’s today. They had me sign documents allowing me to let you drive in the ambulance to get up there. Now that’s something you don't get to do everyday! You didn’t something daddy and I haven’t done before! I hoped and prayed the whole time that you would get there safely...

Your daddy and I met you up at Primary Children’s. You honestly looked so comfortable. You are now in an incubator and I’m thinking you’re loving it. It keeps you so warm and your cute little left hand opened up a lot more! It made me so happy! Your poor blood pressure was still high so they’re trying a new medication on you tonight.

When your daddy and I were driving home, we were thinking of how excited we are for the day you’re healthy and ready to come home to us! We are SO excited for that day! But for now, you just keep getting stronger in that incubator and know that mommy and daddy love you so so much!!!

Love, Mommy

Sunday March 9, 2014

Dear Annie,

So many people have been praying and fasting for you today. They pray everyday but many people fasted. I could feel the strong and sweet spirit and prayers from everyone to comfort our little family.

An older couple came in this morning to give us the Sacrament. If there has ever been a Sunday where I needed to take the Sacrament and was thankful for it, it was today. The atonement is amazing Annie. I’m so grateful for our Savior and for having his only begotten son die for our sins, pains, and afflictions so we may be able to repent and live with our family forever.

Your daddy and I kind of got to hold you today! The sweet nurse let us wrap our arms under you. It was the sweetest thing ever! I think you liked us holding onto your little body! You were just so calm and I wanted it to last forever!

Sunday evening was amazing. We had family come so your daddy could give you a blessing. It was the most beautiful blessing. One of the things I remember your daddy saying that was so amazing was, “Instead of the doctors scratching their heads as to what is wrong with you, they'll be scratching their heads wondering why things turned out so right, when they thought things would go so wrong.” How grateful I was for the sweet blessing they gave you. I just held your sweet little feet during the whole entire blessing and you seemed so comforted. The spirit was so strong. They lifted you up after so everyone waiting outside of the NICU could see you! Everyone was cheering and so excited to see you! It was the sweetest thing!

They had to put a brains monitor on your head- they didn’t know if you were seizing because of the movements you do sometimes. The brains monitor came out fine, that nothing was wrong and they weren’t seizures.

Your daddy and I spent time together that night cuddling and talking about how lucky we were to have you in our lives. There is a new definition of love that we have. For you, and for each other. You are amazing Annie.

Love, 

Mommy